30 Weeks 3 Days

Family and Friends,



There is a piece of paper with a list of statistical outcomes for preemies that was given to me by the neonatologist when I was 23 weeks along. I look at it every time another week goes by-- well if I'm really being honest I look at it more than that. Right now Lillian's statistical survival percentage without major brain and eye damage is somewhere between 97% and 99+%. As a "glass is half empty" kind-of-gal, sometimes all I see is the 1%-3% of babies that don't have good outcomes. My heart so desperately wants the 100% guarantee that Lillian will be a healthy baby. I don't want another list of outcomes based on research, I just want the guarantee! As parents we all want this for our children. We want them to be healthy, we want them to choose to love Jesus, we want them to make good decisions, we want them to be safe, and we want them to live long, happy lives. But, still there is no guarantee, and often times that is where I get stuck.

However cliché it may sound, the only guarantee we have is in Jesus Christ. It's a horrible thought, I must confess, but the "Hope we have in Jesus" often times just seems like not enough. It feels like there should be more. Trusting Jesus does not guarantee us life without pain, or hardship, or loss, or suffering or a life where everything works out just as we imagine. Crap. On the contrary, Jesus says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33. Well, it a verse that isn't exactly comforting but at the end of the day, it is truth to stand on.

Last weekend I was having quite possibly one the worst emotional moment I've experienced so far. Unfortunately, Dave got the brunt of it (it's a good thing I married a pastor because he has a moral obligation to forgive me JK). Anyways, I was so overcome with the loss of the control, grief, fear, and disappointment that I just buried my head in my pillow and let the sobs flow. I cried out, "Lord, please just deliver me! Deliver me from this nightmare!" I kid you not, the next moment my phone rang and it was another patient in the room next to me wanting to chat. I told her once I had composed myself I would wheel over. We had been trying to schedule a meeting for about a week and I had been praying for God to provide the perfect moment. God is funny. I looked like a train wreck, but nonetheless I went over to her room and we began to visit. What I learned in the next two hours is that she is no stranger to this game. She has had a very long road with her children. Her first born son was delivered at 32 weeks and has a rare syndrome where he is deaf and is fed through a feeding tube. Now, she is 26 weeks pregnant with her second son and her water has broken spontaneously. While I was sitting there listening to her tell her story, I thought to myself, "This isn't how I imagined this meeting unfolding." What I pictured was being her sounding board; a shoulder for her to cry on...basically I pictured myself as the hero coming to her rescue and offering her support, not the other way around. God humbles us.

I had asked God to deliver me and He did. He didn't deliver me in the way I wanted, but He delivered me out of that moment of despair by allowing that conversation with my roommate to take place. I am thankful for that.

Today's ultrasound showed that Lillian is continuing to grow. My amniotic fluid level is still low but stable. She weighs an estimated 3 ½ lbs! I am currently at 30 weeks and 3 days. She is still in a breech position, so a C-section is planned for the Monday of Thanksgiving week. Wouldn't that be an appropriate time for her to come!


Our sincere love, gratitude and thanks,

Keri, David, Avery, Reese and Lillian.