24 weeks 6 days

Tomorrow I will be 25 weeks pregnant. Dr. Harding just stopped in to talk to me. He can't believe how far I've come. He was the doctor on call the night my water broke. In thinking back, he said, "I don't mean to sound cavalier, but I really thought there was no hope for your baby, and look how far you've both come." He often jokes about when Lilly is a teenager, how I will be able to give her a hard time for the hard time she's giving me. When Dr. Harding says, "look how far you've come, my humanness says, " but is it far enough?" I guess my worst fear is that Lillian won't make it. I've actually been avoiding even writing that sentence (although I think it on a daily basis) like writing it, or even voicing it will make it true. I think the biggest challenge out of all this is trying to maintain an eternal perspective, while living in a very physical state. I mean, I feel like a time bomb! The fact is, is there is nothing I can do to control what will happen. I can pray and I can Hope, but ultimately God is in control. Lillian is in his capable hands and has always been.

I miss my kids. I realize now, how much I took being a mom, and just simply being present for granted. This takes some perspective, trust me. I miss being there when they get up in the morning. Often times, either Avery or Reese would make her way into our bed in the early hours of the morning, and even though it was annoying at times, I think as parents it reassures us somehow. I miss making them breakfast on Saturday mornings. The order would often be pancakes! I miss being able to tuck them in at night. Reading books and praying were night time routines I just did automatically, sometimes rushing through so I could get downstairs and just relax. Now, I regret not taking the precious time to enjoy the gift of being able to do those things. Life's a funny thing.

I mentioned earlier, the struggle I feel between my human condition and the eternal perspective God has command me to have. A verse that comes to mind, is Deuteronomy 31:6 -8"...I have COMMANDED you. Be STRONG and COURAGEOUS. DO NOT BE AFRAID OR TERRIFIED. The Lord your God goes before you and will be with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. DO NOT BE AFRAID; do not be discouraged." I read those verses and feel encouraged, but there are times I don't. I feel alone. I feel helpless. I feel stuck. My devotions this morning commented how God is ALWAYS available to us. Even if we feel distant from God to recognize that as a feeling and not reality. Reassuring us that no matter what we lose in life, you can never lose our relationship to Christ.

There is no proper way or words that even articulates the depth of our families gratitude for your continued prayers. Lillian is still alive because God has allowed it; you're prayers are part of that mystery. Lillian's latest ultrasound showed that her aminotic fluid was up, and her growth is on track. I would ask for continued prayers that Lillian would be born with a spirit to fight. Please pray for my girls. We miss each other terribly. Please pray for David, for strength and perseverance.

Thank you dear family,
Keri