27 Weeks 3 Days

Tomorrow will mark my 6th week in the hospital. What a trying time. What a blessed time. What a unique opportunity I have been challenged with. With all the different things that go on around me all day long, and with all the swirling thoughts that go through my head, I keep coming back to this idea about the physical vs. the eternal. Just a few days ago a dear friend stopped in to say hello. She read a devotion to me entitled "Trust me and refuse to worry." Ha! Yeah right! The focus was of course, the spiritual discipline it takes to live in the present, not the past or the future. God is incredible and unmatched in his understanding of our needs, our fears, our worries and yet he challenges me not to cling to my all-to-familiar, worst-case scenario type of thinking. I becoming more convinced that living in the present is one of the ways we can really and only live in the spirit. Perhaps that sounds cliché. or christian-ess-ish. What does it even mean to live by the spirit? How God most practically revels this to me is through my thought process. I will begin to think about my kids and Dave or my extended loved ones in Oregon who are all sacrificing so much for our family right now. A truck load of emotions begin to fill my mind and my heart with worry over everyone's needs. Are the kids eating enough vegetables? Is Dave getting enough sleep? Am I sending my dear, self-sacrificing parents to an early grave? What if something happens to the girls and I can't get to them? What about all these medical bills? How will they get paid? Will Lillian live? What if she dies? How will be get through such pain? and so on and so on. I honestly believe that God's desire for us is to live in the present, only then can we really experience peace. Ironically, when we are in crisis we pray for peace so often: "Lord, give us peace, etc" But really God's peace is ALWAYS available to us. When I work myself into a frenzy about the unknown I can literally feel the separation between me and God's peace widen.

On the other hand, God is incredibly human. Thank you Lord for Jesus! He cried. He got angry. He got scared. If you think Jesus is above our human emotions of fear and doubt, recall Jesus' plea in the Garden of Gethsemane when he asked God "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me;" Luke 22:42. Think about God's perspective here for a moment. He has ALL the power and authority in the universe to let Jesus "off the hook" so to speak and yet he doesn't. This paints the picture of the epitome of a grieving parent, Often times, I think we try and put God's perspective in an unreachable box, but really He is so close. He is so empathetic. The scripture says He is acquainted with our grief and sorrows.

I do not believe God is withholding anything from me and my family. This rather large hiccup in life is just a calling to faithfulness. This too, is an incredible mystery how God can call us to have such an eternal mindset, yet He understands our physical limitations. He created us as thinking individuals with the capacity to play the "what if" game and that sometimes we just need to "freak out" as we navigate life on earth. Thankfully, He does not condemn us for our limited ability to see the beyond the end of our own nose! The challenge for me, (which is often emotionally exhausting) is bringing back my mind back to the present moment. It takes work. It takes awareness and sometimes it easier to just doubt.

I often dream of the day when this will all be "over." When Dave was visiting me last night, I asked him, "Do you think we will ever be a family again?" He of course said, "yes, honey, this will all be a distant memory. Just focus on today and not tomorrow." Lillian is well and growing healthy. I am healthy too. Thank you.

Blessings,

Keri, David Avery, Reese and Lillian

Peace

Dave and I have been trying to schedule a NICU (neo-natal intensive care unit) tour for about a week now. Once Lillian's gestational age passed the 24 week mark, a tour was recommended by the doctors. Well, as you know, life happens and it just didn't work out for Dave and I to go together. As a result, I just prayed and decided that whenever an opportunity presented itself I would go whether Dave was with me or not. Well, today my nurse came in and said the NICU could do a tour. Often times, when we think about certain scenarios in our lives, the thought is worse than the reality. Before leaving I quickly texted my mom asking her to pray specifically for peace. Moments later, my nurse Leia wheeled me up the ramp and into the elevator. I wasn't particularly nervous, just anticipating what I would see. When the doors opened, I looked up and I could just sense Jesus' presence--almost like he was greeting me as I got off the elevator. For one of the first times, I wasn't afraid. I wasn't anxious. It was as if God himself was opening each door and welcoming me. Through the Holy Spirit in me I could here Him say, I AM HERE IN THIS PLACE. DON'T WORRY. I AM WITH YOU. I AM WITH LILLIAN. The NICU nurse who gave me the tour was very peaceful and positive. She talked about Lillian in the present, saying sentences like, " When she gets here, we will do this..." "When she is stable, we will take her off the ventilator." etc...It is so encouraging to hear the medical professionals talk about her like she's going to thrive. Go God!

There is hope in the darkest places. I often think about the night I arrived in the hospital, being wheeled into the delivery room. I remember David making a phone call to his mom and saying the words, " we will have to make funeral arrangements." I don't know how Lillian's story will continue. I don't know if God will bless us with the gift of her physical life or if he will take her home. But I do know that God promises HOPE. He even tells us that HOPE does not disappoint us. There has been hope at every corner of our journey with Lillian. I have countless stories of how God has provided even the smallest glimmer of hope in the most helpless of situations. Yesterday I was feeling especially down. I was sobbing, actually, when I heard a knock at the door. It was my nurse Nicole, who said she had a surprise she wanted to show me. In her arms was one of the most beautiful 1-year old Hispanic babies I have ever seen. She was a chunky little thing! My nurse said, " I just wanted to show you a healthy baby girl that was born at 26 weeks." I just stopped and thanked Jesus right then and there for taking my doubts and turning them into hope through the presence of this precious survivor.

I am 25 weeks and 5 days pregnant. The latest ultrasound showed a drop in my amniotic fluid, but is to be expected considering I am "ruptured." Lillian is monitored every day and her heart rate looks great! My job is to keep her cookin as long as possible. Thank you for your prayers. I have been free of any infection, which is a miracle! Your prayers offered in faith are an honor to God.

Remember that God is there for you tomorrow.

Love and more love,

Keri, David, Avery, Reese and Lillian

PS The last update I did not put down david correct blog address to which he posts updates on Lillian as well. The correct address is davidejordan.blogspot.com

Peace

Dave and I have been trying to schedule a NICU (neo-natal intensive care unit) tour for about a week now. Once Lillian's gestational age passed the 24 week mark, a tour was recommended by the doctors. Well, as you know, life happens and it just didn't work out for Dave and I to go together. As a result, I just prayed and decided that whenever an opportunity presented itself I would go whether Dave was with me or not. Well, today my nurse came in and said the NICU could do a tour. Often times, when we think about certain scenarios in our lives, the thought is worse than the reality. Before leaving I quickly texted my mom asking her to pray specifically for peace. Moments later, my nurse Leia wheeled me up the ramp and into the elevator. I wasn't particularly nervous, just anticipating what I would see. When the doors opened, I looked up and I could just sense Jesus' presence--almost like he was greeting me as I got off the elevator. For one of the first times, I wasn't afraid. I wasn't anxious. It was as if God himself was opening each door and welcoming me. Through the Holy Spirit in me I could here Him say, I AM HERE IN THIS PLACE. DON'T WORRY. I AM WITH YOU. I AM WITH LILLIAN. The NICU nurse who gave me the tour was very peaceful and positive. She talked about Lillian in the present, saying sentences like, " When she gets here, we will do this..." "When she is stable, we will take her off the ventilator." etc...It is so encouraging to hear the medical professionals talk about her like she's going to thrive. Go God!

There is hope in the darkest places. I often think about the night I arrived in the hospital, being wheeled into the delivery room. I remember David making a phone call to his mom and saying the words, " we will have to make funeral arrangements." I don't know how Lillian's story will continue. I don't know if God will bless us with the gift of her physical life or if he will take her home. But I do know that God promises HOPE. He even tells us that HOPE does not disappoint us. There has been hope at every corner of our journey with Lillian. I have countless stories of how God has provided even the smallest glimmer of hope in the most helpless of situations. Yesterday I was feeling especially down. I was sobbing, actually, when I heard a knock at the door. It was my nurse Nicole, who said she had a surprise she wanted to show me. In her arms was one of the most beautiful 1-year old Hispanic babies I have ever seen. She was a chunky little thing! My nurse said, " I just wanted to show you a healthy baby girl that was born at 26 weeks." I just stopped and thanked Jesus right then and there for taking my doubts and turning them into hope through the presence of this precious survivor.

I am 25 weeks and 5 days pregnant. The latest ultrasound showed a drop in my amniotic fluid, but is to be expected considering I am "ruptured." Lillian is monitored every day and her heart rate looks great! My job is to keep her cookin as long as possible. Thank you for your prayers. I have been free of any infection, which is a miracle! Your prayers offered in faith are an honor to God.

Remember that God is there for you tomorrow.

Love and more love,

Keri, David, Avery, Reese and Lillian

PS The last update I did not put down david correct blog address to which he posts updates on Lillian as well. The correct address is www.davidejordan.blogspot.com

25 Weeks 5 Days

This week Keri celebrated one month in the hospital. I say celebrated because of the blessings the Lord has poured out over the last month. First and foremost is that every day there sees Lily become more ready to live outside of the womb. But there are so many more blessings that have been revealed over these weeks. I am sure that I don't have a firm grasp on God's intent for us during this time but it has been affirming to experience Him throughout this time. I am becoming more comfortable with simply walking with God. I have told several people that I don't know what story is being written for us. Whether we will have a thriving healthy baby or one that we have to say goodbye to for a while. Or maybe somewhere in between, but whatever the destination of this journey God has challenged me, more than any other time in my life, to just walk with Him. In reflecting on this season of our lives the story of Abraham and Isaac has kept coming to mind. I don't know what is going to happen with Lily, but I am being asked to come to contentment with the idea that I may have to say goodbye to her. What must have, what he thought were his final hours with his son, Abraham felt like as a father saying goodbye. Did he dare to hope that God would stay his hand? Did he consider fleeing? As the endless arguments tumbled around in his head as to why not to do it there was one thing he must have kept coming back to, "I love and trust God." That simple statement has to carry the day. In the good times and the hardest of times I am finding strength and affirmation in that I really do love and trust God. And of course we know how that famous story ends with God providing a way out of an unwinnable moment. Abraham leaves that place with a name, "The Lord Will Provide." Not always what I expect or want Him to but the Lord will definitely provide. Blessings to you and please keep praying, it works.

24 weeks 6 days

Tomorrow I will be 25 weeks pregnant. Dr. Harding just stopped in to talk to me. He can't believe how far I've come. He was the doctor on call the night my water broke. In thinking back, he said, "I don't mean to sound cavalier, but I really thought there was no hope for your baby, and look how far you've both come." He often jokes about when Lilly is a teenager, how I will be able to give her a hard time for the hard time she's giving me. When Dr. Harding says, "look how far you've come, my humanness says, " but is it far enough?" I guess my worst fear is that Lillian won't make it. I've actually been avoiding even writing that sentence (although I think it on a daily basis) like writing it, or even voicing it will make it true. I think the biggest challenge out of all this is trying to maintain an eternal perspective, while living in a very physical state. I mean, I feel like a time bomb! The fact is, is there is nothing I can do to control what will happen. I can pray and I can Hope, but ultimately God is in control. Lillian is in his capable hands and has always been.

I miss my kids. I realize now, how much I took being a mom, and just simply being present for granted. This takes some perspective, trust me. I miss being there when they get up in the morning. Often times, either Avery or Reese would make her way into our bed in the early hours of the morning, and even though it was annoying at times, I think as parents it reassures us somehow. I miss making them breakfast on Saturday mornings. The order would often be pancakes! I miss being able to tuck them in at night. Reading books and praying were night time routines I just did automatically, sometimes rushing through so I could get downstairs and just relax. Now, I regret not taking the precious time to enjoy the gift of being able to do those things. Life's a funny thing.

I mentioned earlier, the struggle I feel between my human condition and the eternal perspective God has command me to have. A verse that comes to mind, is Deuteronomy 31:6 -8"...I have COMMANDED you. Be STRONG and COURAGEOUS. DO NOT BE AFRAID OR TERRIFIED. The Lord your God goes before you and will be with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. DO NOT BE AFRAID; do not be discouraged." I read those verses and feel encouraged, but there are times I don't. I feel alone. I feel helpless. I feel stuck. My devotions this morning commented how God is ALWAYS available to us. Even if we feel distant from God to recognize that as a feeling and not reality. Reassuring us that no matter what we lose in life, you can never lose our relationship to Christ.

There is no proper way or words that even articulates the depth of our families gratitude for your continued prayers. Lillian is still alive because God has allowed it; you're prayers are part of that mystery. Lillian's latest ultrasound showed that her aminotic fluid was up, and her growth is on track. I would ask for continued prayers that Lillian would be born with a spirit to fight. Please pray for my girls. We miss each other terribly. Please pray for David, for strength and perseverance.

Thank you dear family,
Keri

24 Weeks 2 Days

We have reached a big milestone in this journey. At 24 weeks Lily is considered viable by modern medicine. Keri received steroid injections over the last two days to promote lung development in Lily. We are excited to be blessed by this much time with Lily and are continuously praying for as much time as we can get. Keri has been blessed by many visitors who have kept her spirits up simply by being here. Also, we have been blessed with wonderful stories from the nurses and support staff here at the hospital. Now that Lily is 24 weeks old she gets to be on a monitor for 30 to 40 minutes a day. Keri told me that when the doctor looked at the results of her first session that he commented, "this looks really good for a 24 weeker," another nurse said, "Wow! She looks spunky." I have no idea what they are looking at on the monitor, but it was really encouraging to hear these words. I think we have entered phase two of this experience. Now that we have reached 24 weeks, every week thereafter will see Lillian become way better suited to survive outside of the womb. We are excited and thankful to have made it this far, please keep praying as the longer Lily stays where she is the better off she is going to be. I don't know how we would handle this without all of you praying and supporting us in any way that we need. The Body of Christ is an awesome thing and experiencing it work during this time has been truly inspiring.