23 Weeks 3 Days

A lovely woman named Paula just left us. She has worked in the NICU for over 30 years and was here to inform us of what Lillian's life will be like in the weeks following her birth. We are at the beginning of a very long road. We have been asked to discuss and decide at what point doctors will stop trying to save the life of our daughter. How do we do that? I can't even write this without a tear coming to my eye. But it is a very real possibility that in the next few weeks we will have to look a doctor in the face and say Lillian has had enough and let her pass. Paula will be back tomorrow to put a plan of action down on paper for them to follow when Lillian is born. My desire is that I get to hold my daughter and watch her grow up and laugh and play with her sisters. And yet my plan can not be more than, "Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven." I am struggling to find peace in that. This is a moment in my life when I do not understand the actions of my Father in Heaven. As a child I want to use the words "But Dad..." I am praying for a strengthened faith in this moment so that I can trust in God to guide and lead us through these heartwrenching moments. Keri and I continue to covet your prayers. Every day we get counts and is a precious gift. Lillian is still hanging in there and, today, is continuing to fight the good fight. Please pray for guidance and wisdom tonight as Keri and I discuss a plan for when Lillian is born. Blessings to you all.

Knitted

I learned to knit yesterday. Lisa, A volunteer came by and taught me. If you're a seasoned knitter, or are just a novice, you know it can be very difficult to get started and master. As I sat there watching her teach me how to do this, I looked on in complete perplexity. Then, she handed me the needles, and said, "ok, now you try." I could feel my blood pressure rising. I felt so awkward. I took both the needles in my hands and listened very carefully as she told me what to do one step at a time. At first, I approached each move with caution, not knowing what I was trying to accomplish. By the time I finished my first row, I still couldn't make out what it was I was trying to create.

Life is a lot like knitting. Often times things that happen to us don't make any sense at all. One moment you think you have it all together and then literally, all the sudden you've lost your place. I ask God daily, "What are you doing? Why am I here? This is such a helpless situation! A verse that automatically springs to mind is Psalm 139: 13, "For you created my inmost being. You knit me together in my mother's womb, I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful I know that full well" I can't help but think that David had to be intentional here in using the word "knit." Knitting is very complex, easy to mess up, yet the mistakes can be fixed. As I was sitting there trying to get everything right in my brain, I watched the pattern slowly start to take shape. I could begin to see the scarf that was forming out of this mishmash of yarn.

Then, I inevitably think of Lillian. I think of God knitting Lillian's life together from the beginning, with all its mysteries and perplexities. And she is a deep deep mystery! I think of the first day I found out I was pregnant, to now and I slowly, very slowly begin to see and slightly accept what God is doing with her life. Perhaps this journey isn't even about me or Lillian. And while the human side of me so desperately wants to hold on to her, I trust that Lillian is already stirring the hearts of friends, family and strangers. I can't help believe that although she hasn't even been "born" yet that she is making a tremendous impact on the lives of others, mine in particular.

God is not a novice knitter. He is a master. He knows what he is doing. My job is to be faithful.

Lovingly,
Keri

22 Weeks 4 Days

I have fallen even deeper in love with God's church this week. As of now there are congregations and hundreds of individuals in Washington, Oregon, California, Nicaragua and Canada that are fervently lifting us up in prayer. What an amazing testament to the call God places on our lives to pray for one another. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. James 5:16. God's word is alive and well. Keri is still stable and even though bedrest is getting to be a trial in itself, her spirits are up and she knows that she is in the best possible place. She had a wonderful conversation with her nurse last night, who mentioned that Keri being here has had a positive effect on the nurses. I love that, even in our weakness we are getting the opportunity to be witnesses to the love that God has for us. Please know that we deeply appreciate your prayers and the conversations that we are getting to have with many of you. Please continue to pray, here is a short list of prayer needs:

• That Lillian continues to grow properly
• That Keri would remain free from infection
• That Lillian continues to have enough amniotic fluid
• That Keri does not go into labor
• That Keri continues to find healthy outlets for the monotony of bedrest
• That Avery and Reese do well through this hard time
  

Thank you for your visits, cards, flowers and messages. They help. We are honored to be a part of the Body of Christ with you. Blessings to you all.

Lillies

Keri has now been in the hospital for 1 week, prayerfully on her way to 7 weeks, and life looks radically different. I have been trying to wrap my head around the idea of my wife being in the hospital for weeks on end. When our kids came home I was forced to spend my first night away from Keri and spent the evening staring at my cell phone with the ringer volume on its loudest setting. As parents we try to give our kids as much consistency as possible in order to give them a base for when life is inconsistent. God seems to do His best work when life is inconsistent. Maybe that is how He likes it. People have been asking me what treatments are available for us to try in this situation. I have to respond that the only thing to do right now is pray and wait to see what is going to happen. I have been preaching my whole life that we need to rest in God's plan and be content with what turns our lives take. Now that I am living that more than ever I realize that my faith has to grow. It doesn't have a choice. Which kind of makes getting closer to God a little easier. When friends around us go through trials we usually hear of how the process brought them closer to God. I think this is because when thrown into an extremely intimate moment we find that God is enough, is our rock, our deliverer and our relationship grows into something more. A friend brought a bouquet in a few days ago that had a wonderful assortment of flowers, but the most brilliant were the bright orange Lillies that came with it. When we put it into the vase one of the Lily buds fell off. Keri's mom cut off the bottom of a paper cup and put a little water in it with the bud resting in the water. Today the Lily bud is in full bloom and a brilliant orange. I was thinking about this in regard to our situation. It struck me that God likes to take what is broken and turn it into something that is full of life and beauty. Please continue to pray that God would take this broken pregnancy and bring Lillian into the world full of hope and beauty. Keri is doing well, we have received another day with Lillian and that alone is a blessing. Thank you for your prayers, keep them coming they are working. Blessings.

Jordan Baby Update

But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

August 17, 2010

Our Loving Family and Dearest Friends,

Most of you know by now that our status has changed with my pregnancy. Saturday night, as David and I were enjoying a late night dinner out, my water broke. We quickly paid the bill and went for the hospital. After a stressful couple of hours, we learned that indeed my membranes had ruptured. The doctor’s anticipated that I would deliver Lillian that night, but thankfully my contractions subsided. I am currently in the hospital in an ante-partum unit of the maternity ward. This is where women with high-risk pregnancies who are on bed rest reside until they deliver. Lillian appears to have enough amniotic fluid around her right now, and is not struggling. Obviously, I am at an even higher risk for infection and pre-term labor, etc. We are a day at time here, with competent perinatal specialist advising us, and caring nurses at our beck and call.

As you can expect, this turn of events is emotionally exhausting and just plain disappointing, especially since my condition appeared to be on the “up and up.” I know that God is still faithful. I know that it is not as if He has “dropped the ball”; God knew this was going to happen and for His purposes has allowed it. Don’t be deceived that the optimism I express to you in these updates is not always how I feel day to day, moment to moment. I go through bouts of hopefulness, holding on to her, and then I feel myself letting go of her. I was asking my mom today, why would God even allow me to become pregnant if he wasn’t going to have some special purpose for Lillian’s life? Then she reminded me, that Lillian was created for eternity, as we all are, but often forget. Heaven really is Lillian’s home, but we hold on so desperately to this life like it’s all we have.

We are calling on God everyday for wisdom and guidance as we sift through doctors differing opinions and advice. Will you please take time to pray for any of the following?

-That I would not go into labor or get an infection

-That I would make it to a least 24 weeks gestation

-That we would be strengthened emotionally and physically everyday

-That my dear husband would continue to have strength to support his family

-For sweet Avery and Reese, that God would prepare their little hearts for whatever is to come

-That we would be open to how God wants us to minister to the people here who are taking care of us

Again, I cannot express to you what your prayers mean to us. And moreover, we have no idea of how your faithfulness in supporting our family is bringing glory to Jesus! Thank you! Thank you for everything: your phone calls, voice mails, emails, text-messages, hospital visits, special thoughts of care and concern, and notes of encouragement.

My devotional for today read, Trust God enough to yield to His design and Purposes. Remember that nothing can separate us from God’s loving Presence. We are His.

Holding on,

Keri, David, Avery, Reese and Little Lil…

Pro Choice

When this pregnancy began and we were made aware of all of the risks involved and the potential outcomes there was a look that all of our doctors shared. That look had a message and that message was to terminate the pregnancy and not go through all of the pain, fear and uncertainty that moving forward was sure to bring. I was shocked at how straight faced a person could be about ending a pregnancy and that it was seemingly just another medical procedure to them. This is something that I really struggle with in society today. Almost as much as I struggle with not having Clover Press Coffee in all Starbucks. I just want to ask, "How far would you go to protect your child?" I don't see how medically speaking you can differentiate between a child in the womb and a child riding a bike in your driveway. But it seems medical professionals have a wall up and can think about a baby in the womb as something other than human until it is delivered. I am sorry but in real life I don't see how you can think about things any other way after you see and feel and know that there is a baby growing in your wife. It is an interesting conversation to have in the strict moral and political sense but when you throw the connection of parenthood into the mix the decision seems pretty easy. So, I titled this blog Pro-Choice and I titled it that because there are some choices that I have made and I hope we would all make. I choose to fight for my children, in the womb and out. I choose to take responsibility, even when life is not fair. I choose to sacrifice for those around me. I choose to respect a life that I have been given stewardship over. If I were being honest the thought of ending this pregnancy did cross my mind, but in the end that was the lazy choice for me and in life the lazy way is rarely the most rewarding. So I choose to answer to call of parenthood because whether I like it or not God seems to think I am ready. I just hope He rewards me with Clover Press at every Starbucks.