Tomorrow will mark my 6th week in the hospital. What a trying time. What a blessed time. What a unique opportunity I have been challenged with. With all the different things that go on around me all day long, and with all the swirling thoughts that go through my head, I keep coming back to this idea about the physical vs. the eternal. Just a few days ago a dear friend stopped in to say hello. She read a devotion to me entitled "Trust me and refuse to worry." Ha! Yeah right! The focus was of course, the spiritual discipline it takes to live in the present, not the past or the future. God is incredible and unmatched in his understanding of our needs, our fears, our worries and yet he challenges me not to cling to my all-to-familiar, worst-case scenario type of thinking. I becoming more convinced that living in the present is one of the ways we can really and only live in the spirit. Perhaps that sounds cliché. or christian-ess-ish. What does it even mean to live by the spirit? How God most practically revels this to me is through my thought process. I will begin to think about my kids and Dave or my extended loved ones in Oregon who are all sacrificing so much for our family right now. A truck load of emotions begin to fill my mind and my heart with worry over everyone's needs. Are the kids eating enough vegetables? Is Dave getting enough sleep? Am I sending my dear, self-sacrificing parents to an early grave? What if something happens to the girls and I can't get to them? What about all these medical bills? How will they get paid? Will Lillian live? What if she dies? How will be get through such pain? and so on and so on. I honestly believe that God's desire for us is to live in the present, only then can we really experience peace. Ironically, when we are in crisis we pray for peace so often: "Lord, give us peace, etc" But really God's peace is ALWAYS available to us. When I work myself into a frenzy about the unknown I can literally feel the separation between me and God's peace widen.
On the other hand, God is incredibly human. Thank you Lord for Jesus! He cried. He got angry. He got scared. If you think Jesus is above our human emotions of fear and doubt, recall Jesus' plea in the Garden of Gethsemane when he asked God "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me;" Luke 22:42. Think about God's perspective here for a moment. He has ALL the power and authority in the universe to let Jesus "off the hook" so to speak and yet he doesn't. This paints the picture of the epitome of a grieving parent, Often times, I think we try and put God's perspective in an unreachable box, but really He is so close. He is so empathetic. The scripture says He is acquainted with our grief and sorrows.
I do not believe God is withholding anything from me and my family. This rather large hiccup in life is just a calling to faithfulness. This too, is an incredible mystery how God can call us to have such an eternal mindset, yet He understands our physical limitations. He created us as thinking individuals with the capacity to play the "what if" game and that sometimes we just need to "freak out" as we navigate life on earth. Thankfully, He does not condemn us for our limited ability to see the beyond the end of our own nose! The challenge for me, (which is often emotionally exhausting) is bringing back my mind back to the present moment. It takes work. It takes awareness and sometimes it easier to just doubt.
I often dream of the day when this will all be "over." When Dave was visiting me last night, I asked him, "Do you think we will ever be a family again?" He of course said, "yes, honey, this will all be a distant memory. Just focus on today and not tomorrow." Lillian is well and growing healthy. I am healthy too. Thank you.
Blessings,
Keri, David Avery, Reese and Lillian
Dave and I have been trying to schedule a NICU (neo-natal intensive care unit) tour for about a week now. Once Lillian's gestational age passed the 24 week mark, a tour was recommended by the doctors. Well, as you know, life happens and it just didn't work out for Dave and I to go together. As a result, I just prayed and decided that whenever an opportunity presented itself I would go whether Dave was with me or not. Well, today my nurse came in and said the NICU could do a tour. Often times, when we think about certain scenarios in our lives, the thought is worse than the reality. Before leaving I quickly texted my mom asking her to pray specifically for peace. Moments later, my nurse Leia wheeled me up the ramp and into the elevator. I wasn't particularly nervous, just anticipating what I would see. When the doors opened, I looked up and I could just sense Jesus' presence--almost like he was greeting me as I got off the elevator. For one of the first times, I wasn't afraid. I wasn't anxious. It was as if God himself was opening each door and welcoming me. Through the Holy Spirit in me I could here Him say, I AM HERE IN THIS PLACE. DON'T WORRY. I AM WITH YOU. I AM WITH LILLIAN. The NICU nurse who gave me the tour was very peaceful and positive. She talked about Lillian in the present, saying sentences like, " When she gets here, we will do this..." "When she is stable, we will take her off the ventilator." etc...It is so encouraging to hear the medical professionals talk about her like she's going to thrive. Go God!
There is hope in the darkest places. I often think about the night I arrived in the hospital, being wheeled into the delivery room. I remember David making a phone call to his mom and saying the words, " we will have to make funeral arrangements." I don't know how Lillian's story will continue. I don't know if God will bless us with the gift of her physical life or if he will take her home. But I do know that God promises HOPE. He even tells us that HOPE does not disappoint us. There has been hope at every corner of our journey with Lillian. I have countless stories of how God has provided even the smallest glimmer of hope in the most helpless of situations. Yesterday I was feeling especially down. I was sobbing, actually, when I heard a knock at the door. It was my nurse Nicole, who said she had a surprise she wanted to show me. In her arms was one of the most beautiful 1-year old Hispanic babies I have ever seen. She was a chunky little thing! My nurse said, " I just wanted to show you a healthy baby girl that was born at 26 weeks." I just stopped and thanked Jesus right then and there for taking my doubts and turning them into hope through the presence of this precious survivor.
I am 25 weeks and 5 days pregnant. The latest ultrasound showed a drop in my amniotic fluid, but is to be expected considering I am "ruptured." Lillian is monitored every day and her heart rate looks great! My job is to keep her cookin as long as possible. Thank you for your prayers. I have been free of any infection, which is a miracle! Your prayers offered in faith are an honor to God.
Remember that God is there for you tomorrow.
Love and more love,
Keri, David, Avery, Reese and Lillian
PS The last update I did not put down david correct blog address to which he posts updates on Lillian as well. The correct address is davidejordan.blogspot.com
But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
August 17, 2010
Our Loving Family and Dearest Friends,
Most of you know by now that our status has changed with my pregnancy. Saturday night, as David and I were enjoying a late night dinner out, my water broke. We quickly paid the bill and went for the hospital. After a stressful couple of hours, we learned that indeed my membranes had ruptured. The doctor’s anticipated that I would deliver Lillian that night, but thankfully my contractions subsided. I am currently in the hospital in an ante-partum unit of the maternity ward. This is where women with high-risk pregnancies who are on bed rest reside until they deliver. Lillian appears to have enough amniotic fluid around her right now, and is not struggling. Obviously, I am at an even higher risk for infection and pre-term labor, etc. We are a day at time here, with competent perinatal specialist advising us, and caring nurses at our beck and call.
As you can expect, this turn of events is emotionally exhausting and just plain disappointing, especially since my condition appeared to be on the “up and up.” I know that God is still faithful. I know that it is not as if He has “dropped the ball”; God knew this was going to happen and for His purposes has allowed it. Don’t be deceived that the optimism I express to you in these updates is not always how I feel day to day, moment to moment. I go through bouts of hopefulness, holding on to her, and then I feel myself letting go of her. I was asking my mom today, why would God even allow me to become pregnant if he wasn’t going to have some special purpose for Lillian’s life? Then she reminded me, that Lillian was created for eternity, as we all are, but often forget. Heaven really is Lillian’s home, but we hold on so desperately to this life like it’s all we have.
We are calling on God everyday for wisdom and guidance as we sift through doctors differing opinions and advice. Will you please take time to pray for any of the following?
-That I would not go into labor or get an infection
-That I would make it to a least 24 weeks gestation
-That we would be strengthened emotionally and physically everyday
-That my dear husband would continue to have strength to support his family
-For sweet Avery and Reese, that God would prepare their little hearts for whatever is to come
-That we would be open to how God wants us to minister to the people here who are taking care of us
Again, I cannot express to you what your prayers mean to us. And moreover, we have no idea of how your faithfulness in supporting our family is bringing glory to Jesus! Thank you! Thank you for everything: your phone calls, voice mails, emails, text-messages, hospital visits, special thoughts of care and concern, and notes of encouragement.
My devotional for today read, Trust God enough to yield to His design and Purposes. Remember that nothing can separate us from God’s loving Presence. We are His.
Holding on,
Keri, David, Avery, Reese and Little Lil…
So this is a fun picture. I was in the ultrasound room and I thought it was a joke as well. I could almost hear God chuckle as I saw our carefully laid plans crumble and His wonderful, perfect, incredibly unexpected bordering on impossible plan be revealed. At our gathering on Sunday Night we were discussing the crossing of the Red Sea by the Israelites as they left Egypt. The discussion revolved around how sometimes in life you can be doing everything you are supposed to and you still get caught between a rock and a hard place. Or in this case between a huge army and an ocean. Israel showed great faith and trust in leaving all that they knew in Egypt. They were listening and doing what they were supposed to. So I understand their reaction when Egypt's army comes to destroy them and they don't see any way out. I always get caught up in seeing the world from the wrong perspective and it messes with my faith. When all I can see is an enemy in front of me and a wall behind me I begin to question. But then the unbelievable happens, God literally creates a path through the ocean. Impassable barriers are only impassable when looked at from a human perspective. God looks at impassable barriers and sees only opportunity for His Name to be praised throughout the nations. So the entire nation of Israel walks through an ocean on dry ground. They get through and turn to see God let the waters return and destroy the army of Egypt. What must it have been like to stand on the shoreline and attempt to understand what just happened? How many of the Israelites stared in awe at how God again rescued them from a hopeless situation. I have found in life that when I get to the far shore I learn so much by looking back at the hopeless moments. But how do I get to a point where I can be in a seemingly impossible situation and remain faithful? I am thankful for the moments looking back from the far shore, reflecting on what God has just brought me through. Maybe in the midst of trials it is possible to look on as if from the far shore. Knowing that God will bring my family through all our hard times is a way to build faith during the trial as opposed to after it. So right now while in between a rock and a hard place I choose to believe the far shore is waiting and that God will lead us there.
